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Blog - BDSM Box

Play is the first kink lifestyle brand.

Filtering by Category: Sasha

Consent

Sasha Sobolevsky

Not to get all serious, as we do believe that sex and kink should be lots and lots of fun, but safety is a big concern and it’s important to discuss.

We’ve recommended it before, but Jay Wiseman’s SM 101 is the holy grail guide to starting out in kink. However, in our own words and for the sake of this blog being a repository of information, we will detail some basics here.

Consent is everything

What is consent? Consent is HUGE in the BDSM community. Anyone who disagrees is either 1) delusional or 2) an asshole. Seriously. Consent in the vanilla world means to give permission, and it’s the same for kink. To me, the operative word in that definition is “give.” Consent isn’t assumed or taken, it’s given explicitly. Consent doesn’t just apply to sexual touch or acts; it also applies to words and treatment of others. For example, if I do not consent to be called a little whore, nobody should call me that.

How do I give / retract consent? This is sometimes a tough topic, especially if you are playing with someone new or trying a new experience. When I started talking to people in the community who I wanted to play with, they would give me a list of kinks and ask me to fill out my likes / wants / dislikes / limits, and they would also give me their filled-out form. The form looked something like this. That way, my partner could read what my desires were, and what I would NOT do, and we could have a conversation from a place of mutual understanding. Honestly, the first time I filled the form out I was terrified. I had to Google what some of the things were, and acknowledge to myself that some things on there were very erotic to me, even though socially they were deemed unacceptable (see: rape fantasies). One important thing to note, is that even if you say you are willing to do something on the form, or even verbally, it does not mean you can’t change your mind! I had a partner ask if I would try pet play, and I was comfortable giving consent. During the scene however, I felt very uncomfortable and wanted to stop immediately, so I used my safeword. Which leads me to my next topic…

What is a safeword, what should it be, and how do I use it? A safeword is a specific word that you and your partner(s) pre-determine which ends all activity. During my first scene, my partner recommended to use “green” for “I’m ok, keep going,” “yellow” for “Stay the course, but do not increase intensity,” and “red” for “Stop all activity immediately.” Every now and again he would ask me “what’s your color?” to gauge where I was emotionally and physically. I really liked that he would ask me during our scene, as it made me stop and check in with myself to make sure I was ok.

In the end, you are responsible for yourself and your own well-being. You can prepare yourself and protect yourself by speaking frankly with your partner (it can be very sexy to outline exactly what you want done to you, and for your partner to do the same), checking in with yourself or asking your partner to, and not being afraid to stop activity if you are feeling off for any reason. You know yourself best, and if you are feeling off, it’s because something is off, so listen to that little nagging voice. Be strong, and have fun y’all!

I Pegged!

Sasha Sobolevsky

I'm obsessed with having a penis. I’ve wanted one for as long as I can remember. I was born and raised a female and have lived as a female for 30 years. I was born the correct gender for myself, but I’ve always wanted a penis. I frequently dream about it, and I’m always jealous of guys with huge bulges I see walking around.

My favorite pegging depiction

My favorite pegging depiction

Lucky for me, I met someone who wanted to make that dream a reality. He has played around with prostate toys and really enjoyed it, and was curious about pegging. (Side note-that wiki article about pegging has the best image ever). This was the chance to have a penis that I’d been waiting for.

Camryn Harness

Camryn Harness

We went to Babeland and bought the Camryn harness, because it was minimal so I would be able to have some sensation, and a dildo. Neither of us realized how expensive this was going to be, but SO WORTH IT. I won’t get into all the details, but we came home and used lots and lots of lube.

The experience was incredible. I loved being able to provide pleasure to my partner in a way that I never have before. There was something about “giving it to him” that made me feel so powerful and in control, also in a way I never have before sexually. I often feel that I can’t or shouldn’t ask for what I want, either because I am a sub or because I am a woman. But seeing him as a bottom gave me a new perspective. It was also very emotionally affirming for me to take on the Dominant role. I felt more comfortable doing that with a “penis” than without. I always sub, and I think I still prefer that, but this experience makes me consider switching more often, with or without a strap-on. In addition, never having been in a Dominant role, I thought it was more about taking, but as I said above, it was very much about giving pleasure to my partner. He said it felt great for him too and would be more than happy to continue this experiment.

One note about size: the dildo we got was too small for the harness ring, so if you plan to do this make sure the dildo is held tight and doesn’t flop out of the harness. Our harness has adjustable cock rings to handle different size dildos, so that was a good choice.

What’s in Your Toy Bag?

Sasha Sobolevsky

Sir Rucifer

I have a very extensive collection of kink toys. I have an entire footlocker filled with pretty much anything that you can imagine that I have collected over the years. Out of my collection, there are a few toys that I keep in my "to-go bag," which is a small case that's easy to travel with. I like to have some thuddy, stingy, and sensation play options. So for the thuddy player, I have my first flogger that I bought from Blue Devil Leather, and also what I lovingly refer to as the phone book, which is a slapper from Raven's Blood Leather. For the stingy options I have a Dragon tail, also from Raven's Blood Leather, and a single tail from Black Cat Whips. The sensation play toys I carry with me are usually a wartenberg wheel or metal finger tips and a feather.. also rope...lots and lots of rope. 

Assault Whips from Black Cat Whips

Assault Whips from Black Cat Whips

As you gain experience in kink and also settle into your own Domming style you find toys that work well with your style of playing. But remember, "the toys don't make the Dom;" you can have a very stimulating scene with just a stern look, a quick wit, and a pair of eager hands. 

Sasha

I have a pretty small collection of kink toys. My favorite is the Whartenberg wheel. It looks scary, but don’t judge a kink toy by its look! When you actually run it along your skin, it has the most wonderful tickly tingly sensation. It is also something fun to add to vanilla sex to give it just a touch of spice; you don’t have to be a kinky pro or master to enjoy.

Need a chrome one vibrator

Need a chrome one vibrator

I also love my rabbit vibrator. While not necessarily a kink toy, I love using it with a partner for all kinds of things, including orgasm denial. I think that’s a big part of what kink is all about. Using items in new and innovative ways.

Another favorite is my Justin Sayne Leather slapper. I have one in pink! Not only is it pretty, but it’s compact and easy to use.