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Blog - BDSM Box

Play is the first kink lifestyle brand.

How to Dom, Part II

Sasha Sobolevsky

Imagine that you are writing a story.

The exposition: “Once Upon a Time…”

Start with a slow build and warm up. Just like you would introduce the characters in the story, introduce them to the “world that you are creating” and the sensations that you will be using. A slow and thorough warm up will allow your partner to get into the mindset and get their body ready to go deeper. You’ll be surprised how much the human body can take when it’s turned on. So don’t neglect this part.

Once both of you are on the same page and immersed in the world, and characters that you have you can take them on a journey. With all the plot twists and peaks and valleys that you have planned out. Keep in mind that if you go to level 10 that you have to plan little lulls in the session, so they can recoup and recover and let it all settle in, before you take them back up to a higher level.

Finally, when you have completed the rollercoaster that you have planned out, that’s when you slowly bring them back down. Perhaps do some sensation play, and give them some time to soak up all the fun that you both just had. This is my favorite part about BDSM. CUDDLES! That’s right…it’s not all doom and gloom and whips and chains. There are also cuddles and affirmation and nurturing your partner. Cool down and aftercare is what is going to make a person want to play with you again. As the Dom you are responsible for your partners body, mind and heart, not just during the scene, but also the healing that happens afterwards.

Kinky BDSM box fetish couple

While planning your scene, keep track of the skills and tools you’ll need to execute the scene smoothly. If you and your partner discussed rope bondage, make sure you are comfortable doing the bind that you plan on using, or if there is an impact play toy that you both would like to have in the scene. Make sure you know how to safely use it.

Once you’ve gained more confidence in your skills you’ll be able to improvise and read your partner and the energy of the scene better. Remember that your outline is just an outline and you don’t have to follow it strictly, you can color outside of the lines if the energy of the scene goes somewhere that you didn’t think about or anticipate. The most important attribute that a good Dom has, is empathy. Connect with your partner. Tune in to them. Try to feel what they are going through during the scene, because if you can read your partner then you can take them on the journey in a profound way.

Being a Dom can be a wonderfully rewarding position to find yourself in and it’s a journey that never ends. Always keep learning, stay humble, remember the D in BDSM doesn’t stand for Dick, and the B doesn’t stand for Bitch.

How to Dom, Part I

Sasha Sobolevsky

An existential and practical pondering by Sir Rucifer

Image with text, yes, Master

I often have people come to me and ask for advice, mentoring and lessons in how to be a Dom. I always start with the same joke.

Step 1. Wear a lot of black.

Step 2. Never admit that you are wrong.

Step 3. Add “Sir/Lord/Master/Mistress/Goddess” in front of your name.

The first thing you have to do when you decide you want to Dom/top someone is to check your intention. Ask yourself “why do I want to do this?” The intention of both parties is the most important part of a scene, or BDSM relationship. If the intention is self-serving with disregard to both parties’ expectations, you will have a bad time. Make sure that you Dom from a loving place, because you want to have a mutually beneficial fun time with your partner, whom you respect. Both the Dom and the sub need to respect each other on a basic human-to-human level. It may seem like an obvious first step, but the intent of the Dom and the sub makes a world of difference.

Once you have determined the intent of both parties, then you start the fun conversations. Lots and lots of communication! The scene negotiations are vital to a healthy BDSM interaction. This is where both parties discuss what they would like to do, and not do, during the scene. It’s called a negotiation, not because you can haggle over what someone’s limits are, but because both parties have to agree to adding it to the list of things both are comfortable with. If the bottom/sub says something is a limit, then it is written in stone and the Dom can NEVER violate that limit.

Now something that is not often talked about, is that a Dom can also have limits. It is often assumed that Doms are all knowing, all powerful machines that crank out sadism in their sleep. The truth is that Doms are people too and it’s not just the submissive’s limits that set the framework for the scene; Doms can and should also have limits. The Dom’s limits can either be things that they just don’t want to do, or things that they don’t feel confident doing safely. For example, I’ve had people ask me to put a cigarette out on them to permanently scar them. That’s one of my limits.

BDSM consent, setting limits

After both parties have talked about their hopes, dreams, fantasies and limits, then the fun starts. BDSM is an artform and your canvas is the human body and mind. For me one of the best parts of being a Dom is the creativity that I can express. The limits of both parties give me a pallet of colors that I get to use, and then figuring out what picture I want to paint with them. Limitations breed creativity. When you are starting your journey as a Dom, what I recommend is plan your scene before you do it. Get yourself a BDSM journal, and write down the limits of your partner and the things you both want to try or experience. Plot out your scene, using those colors, and keep in mind that you want to build an experience for the body and mind. Keep in mind how each part of the scene will affect your partner, both physically and emotionally. Have some fun with it. This is where the “art” of BDSM comes in, you get to flex your creative muscle.


Sasha Sobolevsky

Not to get all serious, as we do believe that sex and kink should be lots and lots of fun, but safety is a big concern and it’s important to discuss.

We’ve recommended it before, but Jay Wiseman’s SM 101 is the holy grail guide to starting out in kink. However, in our own words and for the sake of this blog being a repository of information, we will detail some basics here.

Consent is everything

What is consent? Consent is HUGE in the BDSM community. Anyone who disagrees is either 1) delusional or 2) an asshole. Seriously. Consent in the vanilla world means to give permission, and it’s the same for kink. To me, the operative word in that definition is “give.” Consent isn’t assumed or taken, it’s given explicitly. Consent doesn’t just apply to sexual touch or acts; it also applies to words and treatment of others. For example, if I do not consent to be called a little whore, nobody should call me that.

How do I give / retract consent? This is sometimes a tough topic, especially if you are playing with someone new or trying a new experience. When I started talking to people in the community who I wanted to play with, they would give me a list of kinks and ask me to fill out my likes / wants / dislikes / limits, and they would also give me their filled-out form. The form looked something like this. That way, my partner could read what my desires were, and what I would NOT do, and we could have a conversation from a place of mutual understanding. Honestly, the first time I filled the form out I was terrified. I had to Google what some of the things were, and acknowledge to myself that some things on there were very erotic to me, even though socially they were deemed unacceptable (see: rape fantasies). One important thing to note, is that even if you say you are willing to do something on the form, or even verbally, it does not mean you can’t change your mind! I had a partner ask if I would try pet play, and I was comfortable giving consent. During the scene however, I felt very uncomfortable and wanted to stop immediately, so I used my safeword. Which leads me to my next topic…

What is a safeword, what should it be, and how do I use it? A safeword is a specific word that you and your partner(s) pre-determine which ends all activity. During my first scene, my partner recommended to use “green” for “I’m ok, keep going,” “yellow” for “Stay the course, but do not increase intensity,” and “red” for “Stop all activity immediately.” Every now and again he would ask me “what’s your color?” to gauge where I was emotionally and physically. I really liked that he would ask me during our scene, as it made me stop and check in with myself to make sure I was ok.

In the end, you are responsible for yourself and your own well-being. You can prepare yourself and protect yourself by speaking frankly with your partner (it can be very sexy to outline exactly what you want done to you, and for your partner to do the same), checking in with yourself or asking your partner to, and not being afraid to stop activity if you are feeling off for any reason. You know yourself best, and if you are feeling off, it’s because something is off, so listen to that little nagging voice. Be strong, and have fun y’all!