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Blog - BDSM Box

Play is the first kink lifestyle brand.

Filtering by Tag: consent

Consent

Sasha Sobolevsky

Not to get all serious, as we do believe that sex and kink should be lots and lots of fun, but safety is a big concern and it’s important to discuss.

We’ve recommended it before, but Jay Wiseman’s SM 101 is the holy grail guide to starting out in kink. However, in our own words and for the sake of this blog being a repository of information, we will detail some basics here.

Consent is everything

What is consent? Consent is HUGE in the BDSM community. Anyone who disagrees is either 1) delusional or 2) an asshole. Seriously. Consent in the vanilla world means to give permission, and it’s the same for kink. To me, the operative word in that definition is “give.” Consent isn’t assumed or taken, it’s given explicitly. Consent doesn’t just apply to sexual touch or acts; it also applies to words and treatment of others. For example, if I do not consent to be called a little whore, nobody should call me that.

How do I give / retract consent? This is sometimes a tough topic, especially if you are playing with someone new or trying a new experience. When I started talking to people in the community who I wanted to play with, they would give me a list of kinks and ask me to fill out my likes / wants / dislikes / limits, and they would also give me their filled-out form. The form looked something like this. That way, my partner could read what my desires were, and what I would NOT do, and we could have a conversation from a place of mutual understanding. Honestly, the first time I filled the form out I was terrified. I had to Google what some of the things were, and acknowledge to myself that some things on there were very erotic to me, even though socially they were deemed unacceptable (see: rape fantasies). One important thing to note, is that even if you say you are willing to do something on the form, or even verbally, it does not mean you can’t change your mind! I had a partner ask if I would try pet play, and I was comfortable giving consent. During the scene however, I felt very uncomfortable and wanted to stop immediately, so I used my safeword. Which leads me to my next topic…

What is a safeword, what should it be, and how do I use it? A safeword is a specific word that you and your partner(s) pre-determine which ends all activity. During my first scene, my partner recommended to use “green” for “I’m ok, keep going,” “yellow” for “Stay the course, but do not increase intensity,” and “red” for “Stop all activity immediately.” Every now and again he would ask me “what’s your color?” to gauge where I was emotionally and physically. I really liked that he would ask me during our scene, as it made me stop and check in with myself to make sure I was ok.

In the end, you are responsible for yourself and your own well-being. You can prepare yourself and protect yourself by speaking frankly with your partner (it can be very sexy to outline exactly what you want done to you, and for your partner to do the same), checking in with yourself or asking your partner to, and not being afraid to stop activity if you are feeling off for any reason. You know yourself best, and if you are feeling off, it’s because something is off, so listen to that little nagging voice. Be strong, and have fun y’all!

Abuse vs. Kink

Sasha Sobolevsky

Many of my vanilla (aka-not kinky) friends have hesitations when I start explaining some of my preferences. They worry about me, want to make sure I’m safe, and don’t want me to “cross the line.”

I really want to reassure them that kink and BDSM does not inherently mean abuse and insanity. In fact, the guiding principles of BDSM are “safe, sane, and consensual,” and honesty, Sir Rucifer and I both feel that abuse is more rampant in vanilla settings.

A prime example: Several months ago I was at a professional business networking event, speaking about Playbox to a potential investor. He was an older gentleman and had had a few drinks during the event. As I was leaving and giving him my card, he reached around and slapped my butt. I was horrified. I grabbed his shirt, mustered a weak “no,” and left. But the encounter shook me.

Conversely, when I attend kink events or parties, nobody will even shake my hand without asking first; express consent is required for all touching. Another example: when Sir Rucifer goes to kink events with his sub, he’s not worried that when she’s alone someone is going to grind up on her, because people in kink are more aware of consent and protocol. Rucifer and his sub have friends who have known them both for 10 years and they still ask permission to hug her hello. 

The key to kink is communication and trust with your partner(s). During kinky play, it’s a bottom’s responsibility to communicate with their top about their wants, needs, and feelings. It’s a top’s responsibility to be cognizant of and communicative with their bottom. That way, kink is always what it should be: fun and pleasurable for everyone involved.