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Blog - BDSM Box

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Filtering by Category: Sasha


Sasha Sobolevsky

I've been thinking a lot about squirting and it's misconceptions. Truth be told, I wasn't even that sure I understood it, and I've done it! So I obviously did a Google search for “squirting.”

The first hit was “How to Squirt During Sex,” a Cosmopolitan article from 2016. The first sentence of the article reads “Like coconut water, culottes, and CrossFit, squirting is having a moment.” Talking about female sexual phenomenon is having a “moment”?!?! And I know that Cosmo is not typically the hub of scientific (or even factual) sexual information, but did you just compare squirting to culottes???

Lower body of a person wearing denim culottes

Herein lies the general problem of sexual misconceptions: we are in such a race to come, that we ignore the process, the who what where when why how.

Moving right along, the next Google hit is also a Cosmo article, followed by Urban Dictionary’s definition of squirting. Not good, internet. In addition, Wikipedia (I know, super legit source), states that “To date, there have been no conclusive or major studies relating to female ejaculation.” My cursory study of the internet agrees with this statement. I don’t even see a basic level of agreement of what squirting, aka female ejaculation, is. And can we talk about the fact that it’s referred to as FEMALE ejaculation? Why we gotta specify the gender? Is it less legitimate than a regular, aka male, ejaculation?

Large social problems aside, in the scientific community it is still unknown whether ejaculate, as I will now refer to it, consists of urine, vaginal fluid, or something entirely different. There are thousands upon thousands of personal stories online about what ejaculate smells like, tastes like, feels like, when it happens, and how to make it happen.

My research leads me to conclude that there is no hard and fast rule about ejaculation. Some womxn experience it before orgasm, some during, some without orgasm at all. Most agree that it does not seem to be urine, at least in smell and consistency. Some have it through masturbation, some through sexual intercourse, some through both together. Some can only have it when alone, some only when with a partner, some not at all ever. Here’s the thing though: IT DOESN’T MATTER and it doesn’t make you any better or worse no matter which combination you are (or your partner is). Yep, I said it. You are whole, complete, and perfect either way. If your partner doesn’t believe / respect that, get rid of them!

To add my own personal story to the mix, I had my first ejaculation when I was 29 with a partner. He was fingering my g-spot very intensely, and it felt great! All of a sudden, some fluid came out onto the bed. But I hadn’t orgasmed. I freaked out because I thought I peed and I was so embarrassed. He calmed me down and explained that I squirted. And that he thought it was sexy. I still had to feel and smell it, and it really didn’t smell or feel like pee. I would say that quite a bit came out, which is why I thought I peed. Not like a geyser, but a lot. The second time I squirted I was fingering my own g-spot, without orgasm.

I hope that reading this, you feel normal. Because you are! I am too! So are people who make you feel bad for not being able to squirt, or orgasm, or etc., etc., etc. They are just jerks. If you want to try to squirt, DO IT! Alone, with a partner, with 4 partners, do you. As long as it is safe, sane, and consensual.

<3, Sasha

Racial and Social Problematic Elements of BDSM

Sasha Sobolevsky

I have many times considered society's role in my being a woman who is a BDSM submissive. Sometimes it really upsets me but overall, I accept that it makes me happy, and I wouldn't like to live my life any other way. As long as I am safe, sane, and the activities I participate in are consensual, I am ok with it.

I have recently also been considering the problematic racial dynamics within BDSM. This is a harder for me to contend with. I am a white woman, and I won't pretend to approach that I understand the ramifications. Instead, I will let the words of others stand in where I have none of my own. Please take a look at the following articles. As the US is currently undergoing a reckoning, I believe that BDSM is not free from the race and gender issues that plague the country, and the world. I don’t know what to do about it, but I know that we need to continue talking about it.

With love,


Cunnilingus for All

Sasha Sobolevsky

Before I write anything else, it's vital that you watch this adorable and informative video:

As a cisgender, mostly straight female, I have come to the conclusion that the people I have hooked up with (mostly cisgender males) are bad at oral sex. Oh, they’re good at receiving it, but they’re horrible at giving. I know that this is a vast generalization, and I am sure that there are straight cisgender men who are amazing at cunnilingus, but I have not come across one (insert coming joke haha). A friend once dated someone who could make her come in a few minutes with his tongue, but nobody else could do that for her, me, or anyone else I asked. In fact, until recently, I honestly thought I was broken because it wasn’t easy, and was barely possible, for me to orgasm during cunnilingus. I know. Me. Co-owner of a sex company. But the stigma against female orgasms and sexuality is so ingrained in our culture. I had some hunches about what I liked, but never asked for it, figuring it was too picky, unnecessary, would take too long, etc.

So I started doing research. Turns out, I was on the right track all along. My “hunches” checked out with surveys and research that others had done about what makes a female orgasm during cunnilingus. In fact, it even matched up with what several magazines and websites offered as advice to “blow her mind” and “give her the best orgasm.” I have compiled the advice that checks out best for me and a few friends who served as testers, and without further ado, I would like to present my guide for giving oral sex to a female:

1.     The average woman takes 20 minutes to orgasm from cunnilingus. That was a shocker to me! I’m normal! This is important for both guys to know (hunker down and get comfy) and women too (you, my friend, are normal too). I don’t know about you, but I wish I could come as quickly as a guy can. But the fact is I don’t, and that isn’t a problem. And why am I comparing myself to a guy’s sexuality anyway? Lots of things to unpack here. But one thing is for sure: if some guy complains that you “take too long,” he’s a loser.

2.     Take it slow. A woman’s body takes some time to get ready for intense sexual sensations, so going in there aggressively will most likely hurt. This applies to tongues and hands. And please no hard little dagger tongue. Make it soft and wet.

3.     Cunnilingus isn’t just about the clit. Lick that vagina, slowly. Lick all the labia, slowly up and down. Insert a finger or 2, slowly. One technique that’s my favorite (courtesy of LovePanky) is to “…think of the lips as forming a long, vertical ellipse, the inside of this is what you should focus on next. As a reference, just above this ellipse, tucked into its hood is the clitoris. Just below it is the perineum, or what people often call the “taint” – that in-between-area that ain’t pussy and ain’t ass. Push your tongue gently against the bottom of the ellipse, just above the perineum. Keeping light pressure against her, slowly run your tongue up to the top, making sure to stop before you reach the clitoris. Do the same from top to bottom, letting your tongue linger at the points, pushing against them with minimal pressure. Repeat, mixing in a few kisses, and a few more sucks on the sides of her lips. In the bottom third of the ellipse is the vaginal entrance. Push the tip of your tongue slightly inside. The walls of the vaginal opening are extremely sensitive, always approach them slowly and gently. The tip of your tongue, being soft and wet, should give her a feeling of pleasure.”

4.     Once you find something that feels great, DON’T STOP! Do the exact same thing rhythmically until she comes. The most frustrating thing is to be feeling amazing, and then for the feeling to stop. For men, typically increasing speed and intensity helps build up to orgasm. For women, it’s consistency.

5.     Maybe most importantly, not all women can orgasm, and not all women who can orgasm always do. Guys, try not to be frustrated if your lady doesn’t. Chances are she is frustrated enough. Try your best to hear out her needs and fulfill them. If you're putting a lot of pressure on your partner, try to remember that it's not about you. You are not somehow more manly (or womanly) if you can make your partner come every time you have sex.

I really hope this guide is helpful. It was helpful for me to research and write it. And feel free to let me know if you agree / disagree / what has worked for you.

Here are some more resources:

LovePanky | Thought Catalog | Cosmo (pretty funny article) | LA Weekly

Love always,