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Cunnilingus for All

Sasha Sobolevsky

Before I write anything else, it's vital that you watch this adorable and informative video:

As a cisgender, mostly straight female, I have come to the conclusion that the people I have hooked up with (mostly cisgender males) are bad at oral sex. Oh, they’re good at receiving it, but they’re horrible at giving. I know that this is a vast generalization, and I am sure that there are straight cisgender men who are amazing at cunnilingus, but I have not come across one (insert coming joke haha). A friend once dated someone who could make her come in a few minutes with his tongue, but nobody else could do that for her, me, or anyone else I asked. In fact, until recently, I honestly thought I was broken because it wasn’t easy, and was barely possible, for me to orgasm during cunnilingus. I know. Me. Co-owner of a sex company. But the stigma against female orgasms and sexuality is so ingrained in our culture. I had some hunches about what I liked, but never asked for it, figuring it was too picky, unnecessary, would take too long, etc.

So I started doing research. Turns out, I was on the right track all along. My “hunches” checked out with surveys and research that others had done about what makes a female orgasm during cunnilingus. In fact, it even matched up with what several magazines and websites offered as advice to “blow her mind” and “give her the best orgasm.” I have compiled the advice that checks out best for me and a few friends who served as testers, and without further ado, I would like to present my guide for giving oral sex to a female:

1.     The average woman takes 20 minutes to orgasm from cunnilingus. That was a shocker to me! I’m normal! This is important for both guys to know (hunker down and get comfy) and women too (you, my friend, are normal too). I don’t know about you, but I wish I could come as quickly as a guy can. But the fact is I don’t, and that isn’t a problem. And why am I comparing myself to a guy’s sexuality anyway? Lots of things to unpack here. But one thing is for sure: if some guy complains that you “take too long,” he’s a loser.

2.     Take it slow. A woman’s body takes some time to get ready for intense sexual sensations, so going in there aggressively will most likely hurt. This applies to tongues and hands. And please no hard little dagger tongue. Make it soft and wet.

3.     Cunnilingus isn’t just about the clit. Lick that vagina, slowly. Lick all the labia, slowly up and down. Insert a finger or 2, slowly. One technique that’s my favorite (courtesy of LovePanky) is to “…think of the lips as forming a long, vertical ellipse, the inside of this is what you should focus on next. As a reference, just above this ellipse, tucked into its hood is the clitoris. Just below it is the perineum, or what people often call the “taint” – that in-between-area that ain’t pussy and ain’t ass. Push your tongue gently against the bottom of the ellipse, just above the perineum. Keeping light pressure against her, slowly run your tongue up to the top, making sure to stop before you reach the clitoris. Do the same from top to bottom, letting your tongue linger at the points, pushing against them with minimal pressure. Repeat, mixing in a few kisses, and a few more sucks on the sides of her lips. In the bottom third of the ellipse is the vaginal entrance. Push the tip of your tongue slightly inside. The walls of the vaginal opening are extremely sensitive, always approach them slowly and gently. The tip of your tongue, being soft and wet, should give her a feeling of pleasure.”

4.     Once you find something that feels great, DON’T STOP! Do the exact same thing rhythmically until she comes. The most frustrating thing is to be feeling amazing, and then for the feeling to stop. For men, typically increasing speed and intensity helps build up to orgasm. For women, it’s consistency.

5.     Maybe most importantly, not all women can orgasm, and not all women who can orgasm always do. Guys, try not to be frustrated if your lady doesn’t. Chances are she is frustrated enough. Try your best to hear out her needs and fulfill them. If you're putting a lot of pressure on your partner, try to remember that it's not about you. You are not somehow more manly (or womanly) if you can make your partner come every time you have sex.

I really hope this guide is helpful. It was helpful for me to research and write it. And feel free to let me know if you agree / disagree / what has worked for you.

Here are some more resources:

LovePanky | Thought Catalog | Cosmo (pretty funny article) | LA Weekly

Love always,

Sasha