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How to Dom, Part II

Sasha Sobolevsky

Imagine that you are writing a story.

The exposition: “Once Upon a Time…”

Start with a slow build and warm up. Just like you would introduce the characters in the story, introduce them to the “world that you are creating” and the sensations that you will be using. A slow and thorough warm up will allow your partner to get into the mindset and get their body ready to go deeper. You’ll be surprised how much the human body can take when it’s turned on. So don’t neglect this part.

Once both of you are on the same page and immersed in the world, and characters that you have created...now you can take them on a journey. With all the plot twists and peaks and valleys that you have planned out. Keep in mind that if you go to level 10 that you have to plan little lulls in the session, so they can recoup and recover and let it all settle in, before you take them back up to a higher level.

Finally, when you have completed the rollercoaster that you have planned out, that’s when you slowly bring them back down. Perhaps do some sensation play, and give them some time to soak up all the fun that you both just had. This is my favorite part about BDSM. CUDDLES! That’s right…it’s not all doom and gloom and whips and chains. There are also cuddles and affirmation and nurturing your partner. Cool down and aftercare is what is going to make a person want to play with you again. As the Dom you are responsible for your partners body, mind and heart, not just during the scene, but also the healing that happens afterwards.

While planning your scene, keep track of the skills and tools you’ll need to execute the scene smoothly. If you and your partner discussed rope bondage, make sure you are comfortable doing the bind that you plan on using, or if there is an impact play toy that you both would like to have in the scene. Make sure you know how to safely use it.

Once you’ve gained more confidence in your skills you’ll be able to improvise and read your partner and the energy of the scene better. Remember that your outline is just an outline and you don’t have to follow it strictly, you can color outside of the lines if the energy of the scene goes somewhere that you didn’t think about or anticipate. The most important attribute that a good Dom has, is empathy. Connect with your partner. Tune in to them. Try to feel what they are going through during the scene, because if you can read your partner then you can take them on the journey in a profound way.

Being a Dom can be a wonderfully rewarding position to find yourself in and it’s a journey that never ends. Always keep learning, stay humble, remember the D in BDSM doesn’t stand for Dick, and the B doesn’t stand for Bitch.