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Blog - BDSM Box

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Cunnilingus for All

Sasha Sobolevsky

Before I write anything else, it's vital that you watch this adorable and informative video:

As a cisgender, mostly straight female, I have come to the conclusion that the people I have hooked up with (mostly cisgender males) are bad at oral sex. Oh, they’re good at receiving it, but they’re horrible at giving. I know that this is a vast generalization, and I am sure that there are straight cisgender men who are amazing at cunnilingus, but I have not come across one (insert coming joke haha). A friend once dated someone who could make her come in a few minutes with his tongue, but nobody else could do that for her, me, or anyone else I asked. In fact, until recently, I honestly thought I was broken because it wasn’t easy, and was barely possible, for me to orgasm during cunnilingus. I know. Me. Co-owner of a sex company. But the stigma against female orgasms and sexuality is so ingrained in our culture. I had some hunches about what I liked, but never asked for it, figuring it was too picky, unnecessary, would take too long, etc.

So I started doing research. Turns out, I was on the right track all along. My “hunches” checked out with surveys and research that others had done about what makes a female orgasm during cunnilingus. In fact, it even matched up with what several magazines and websites offered as advice to “blow her mind” and “give her the best orgasm.” I have compiled the advice that checks out best for me and a few friends who served as testers, and without further ado, I would like to present my guide for giving oral sex to a female:

1.     The average woman takes 20 minutes to orgasm from cunnilingus. That was a shocker to me! I’m normal! This is important for both guys to know (hunker down and get comfy) and women too (you, my friend, are normal too). I don’t know about you, but I wish I could come as quickly as a guy can. But the fact is I don’t, and that isn’t a problem. And why am I comparing myself to a guy’s sexuality anyway? Lots of things to unpack here. But one thing is for sure: if some guy complains that you “take too long,” he’s a loser.

2.     Take it slow. A woman’s body takes some time to get ready for intense sexual sensations, so going in there aggressively will most likely hurt. This applies to tongues and hands. And please no hard little dagger tongue. Make it soft and wet.

3.     Cunnilingus isn’t just about the clit. Lick that vagina, slowly. Lick all the labia, slowly up and down. Insert a finger or 2, slowly. One technique that’s my favorite (courtesy of LovePanky) is to “…think of the lips as forming a long, vertical ellipse, the inside of this is what you should focus on next. As a reference, just above this ellipse, tucked into its hood is the clitoris. Just below it is the perineum, or what people often call the “taint” – that in-between-area that ain’t pussy and ain’t ass. Push your tongue gently against the bottom of the ellipse, just above the perineum. Keeping light pressure against her, slowly run your tongue up to the top, making sure to stop before you reach the clitoris. Do the same from top to bottom, letting your tongue linger at the points, pushing against them with minimal pressure. Repeat, mixing in a few kisses, and a few more sucks on the sides of her lips. In the bottom third of the ellipse is the vaginal entrance. Push the tip of your tongue slightly inside. The walls of the vaginal opening are extremely sensitive, always approach them slowly and gently. The tip of your tongue, being soft and wet, should give her a feeling of pleasure.”

4.     Once you find something that feels great, DON’T STOP! Do the exact same thing rhythmically until she comes. The most frustrating thing is to be feeling amazing, and then for the feeling to stop. For men, typically increasing speed and intensity helps build up to orgasm. For women, it’s consistency.

5.     Maybe most importantly, not all women can orgasm, and not all women who can orgasm always do. Guys, try not to be frustrated if your lady doesn’t. Chances are she is frustrated enough. Try your best to hear out her needs and fulfill them. If you're putting a lot of pressure on your partner, try to remember that it's not about you. You are not somehow more manly (or womanly) if you can make your partner come every time you have sex.

I really hope this guide is helpful. It was helpful for me to research and write it. And feel free to let me know if you agree / disagree / what has worked for you.

Here are some more resources:

LovePanky | Thought Catalog | Cosmo (pretty funny article) | LA Weekly

Love always,

Sasha

How to Dom, Part II

Sasha Sobolevsky

Imagine that you are writing a story.

The exposition: “Once Upon a Time…”

Start with a slow build and warm up. Just like you would introduce the characters in the story, introduce them to the “world that you are creating” and the sensations that you will be using. A slow and thorough warm up will allow your partner to get into the mindset and get their body ready to go deeper. You’ll be surprised how much the human body can take when it’s turned on. So don’t neglect this part.

Once both of you are on the same page and immersed in the world, and characters that you have created...now you can take them on a journey. With all the plot twists and peaks and valleys that you have planned out. Keep in mind that if you go to level 10 that you have to plan little lulls in the session, so they can recoup and recover and let it all settle in, before you take them back up to a higher level.

Finally, when you have completed the rollercoaster that you have planned out, that’s when you slowly bring them back down. Perhaps do some sensation play, and give them some time to soak up all the fun that you both just had. This is my favorite part about BDSM. CUDDLES! That’s right…it’s not all doom and gloom and whips and chains. There are also cuddles and affirmation and nurturing your partner. Cool down and aftercare is what is going to make a person want to play with you again. As the Dom you are responsible for your partners body, mind and heart, not just during the scene, but also the healing that happens afterwards.

Kinky BDSM box fetish couple

While planning your scene, keep track of the skills and tools you’ll need to execute the scene smoothly. If you and your partner discussed rope bondage, make sure you are comfortable doing the bind that you plan on using, or if there is an impact play toy that you both would like to have in the scene. Make sure you know how to safely use it.

Once you’ve gained more confidence in your skills you’ll be able to improvise and read your partner and the energy of the scene better. Remember that your outline is just an outline and you don’t have to follow it strictly, you can color outside of the lines if the energy of the scene goes somewhere that you didn’t think about or anticipate. The most important attribute that a good Dom has, is empathy. Connect with your partner. Tune in to them. Try to feel what they are going through during the scene, because if you can read your partner then you can take them on the journey in a profound way.

Being a Dom can be a wonderfully rewarding position to find yourself in and it’s a journey that never ends. Always keep learning, stay humble, remember the D in BDSM doesn’t stand for Dick, and the B doesn’t stand for Bitch.

How to Dom, Part I

Sasha Sobolevsky

An existential and practical pondering by Sir Rucifer

Image with text, yes, Master

I often have people come to me and ask for advice, mentoring and lessons in how to be a Dom. I always start with the same joke.

Step 1. Wear a lot of black.

Step 2. Never admit that you are wrong.

Step 3. Add “Sir/Lord/Master/Mistress/Goddess” in front of your name.

The first thing you have to do when you decide you want to Dom/top someone is to check your intention. Ask yourself “why do I want to do this?” The intention of both parties is the most important part of a scene, or BDSM relationship. If the intention is self-serving with disregard to both parties’ expectations, you will have a bad time. Make sure that you Dom from a loving place, because you want to have a mutually beneficial fun time with your partner, whom you respect. Both the Dom and the sub need to respect each other on a basic human-to-human level. It may seem like an obvious first step, but the intent of the Dom and the sub makes a world of difference.

Once you have determined the intent of both parties, then you start the fun conversations. Lots and lots of communication! The scene negotiations are vital to a healthy BDSM interaction. This is where both parties discuss what they would like to do, and not do, during the scene. It’s called a negotiation, not because you can haggle over what someone’s limits are, but because both parties have to agree to adding it to the list of things both are comfortable with. If the bottom/sub says something is a limit, then it is written in stone and the Dom can NEVER violate that limit.

Now something that is not often talked about, is that a Dom can also have limits. It is often assumed that Doms are all knowing, all powerful machines that crank out sadism in their sleep. The truth is that Doms are people too and it’s not just the submissive’s limits that set the framework for the scene; Doms can and should also have limits. The Dom’s limits can either be things that they just don’t want to do, or things that they don’t feel confident doing safely. For example, I’ve had people ask me to put a cigarette out on them to permanently scar them. That’s one of my limits.

BDSM consent, setting limits

After both parties have talked about their hopes, dreams, fantasies and limits, then the fun starts. BDSM is an artform and your canvas is the human body and mind. For me one of the best parts of being a Dom is the creativity that I can express. The limits of both parties give me a pallet of colors that I get to use, and then figuring out what picture I want to paint with them. Limitations breed creativity. When you are starting your journey as a Dom, what I recommend is plan your scene before you do it. Get yourself a BDSM journal, and write down the limits of your partner and the things you both want to try or experience. Plot out your scene, using those colors, and keep in mind that you want to build an experience for the body and mind. Keep in mind how each part of the scene will affect your partner, both physically and emotionally. Have some fun with it. This is where the “art” of BDSM comes in, you get to flex your creative muscle.